wonder where i'll be in just over 8 months

so erm...i just found out some really bad news, some bad news and some news.

Really bad news, my step brother is dying. hes got a matter of weeks to live, the cancer progressed from the stomach to the chest and meds arent working anymore. last week he was asked if he wanted to remain in hospital, or go home for his final days. i dont know what he chose.

Mel is in a pretty bad shape, and its reflecting on my mom and me too.

Bad news, Martin is a cheating idiot and i cannot trust him at all. i'm not taking any chances.

News. well...today i found out something, quite unexpected. im falling to pieces right now, but i gotta be strong about this.

im glad things for other people are looking up. glad that its working itself out. and thats for two people in particular. well 3.


well i jusy got a call from mel and Collin has been moved to a hospice. things arent looking too good right now.

im gonna go make a couple calls. tomorrow i need to have a serious talk with martin. tell him some developments that i've found out.

wish me luck, im really gonna need it.

- Gaby x

just to clear things up...

First of all...Who are you??
Go back and read things properly...when i said "his only friend" it said this:

"Myspace messages...being his only actual "friend" on his Made in hell clothing page."

meant on the 11th of july to the 12th of july...when i was the only person other than "Tom" on his friends list of his CLOTHING LINE.

seriously, why am i even bothering to do this? guess that i just really dont want to get people to think that im something that im not.

I never claimed to be a friend of Ian's...marely another person that goes to his gigs, and if you dont know who i am, have never met me or talked to me, dont fucking judge me (and yes you can talk to me on aim if really needed use this screen name... dunksbabycakes over my private one.) because i dont judge you, even if you are trying to start shit over the net.

if you want to have a valid discussion, involving people that are not bothered about what other people write about them, then leave the "*insert name here* doesnt even know you" or "why are you trying to pretend to be friends with someone that your not" out as i'm not gonna credit you one bit for dragging them into it. they have my myspace, they can say that they dont know me. but ask them to take a look at the profile, as names sometimes arent remembered (even if he knows my nickname 2 years after being told it the first time).

Whatever you do, DO NOT try make a fool of me as you will be proven wrong, i have no reason to write things that arent true, im not interested in the slightest bit of gossip because i know who he's dating, and has been for at least a year now. (i know who, i dont KNOW them).

drama around bands is inevitable, so leave me out of it when and where possible.
if you still have a problem at the end of the day im prepared to discuss things but i dont do it over websites.

anyway i gotta go.

- Gaby xx

fucking lies...

i hate the fact that i cant get hold of him right now, and havent been able to for basically the past 3 days...i tried calling, texting...nothing works.

things arent adding up...meetings over drinks...extremely late dinners...being so fucking cold...

guess what hunny, you know how you always say that you want this to last...

its over. for real.

yeah there is the fact that you might have genuine reasons for that, of which id want to have a serious look at.

you dont tell me that girls at your work have made a move on you...that gets to me majorly...

relationships...thank fuck i have no actual feelings appart from liking you as a person. thank fuck i dont love you, even if you love me.

i guess im free to do whatever i want tomorrow night...



i love going on tour... see people that i love hanging out with, watch them play, get drunk and take photos...and not much else really!!!

im off to sleep...got a ob interview tomorrow...hope i get it because im fucking bored not working!

-Gaby xx

3 words can change everything

take this however you want, could be either way.

friday night martin said those 3 words and i was well...lost for words, full of thoughts...

i am extremely tired right now...things in the past week have been moving at an extraordinary pace and im not sure i'll get used to it.

i had fun talking to some people over the week...
vinnie finally got in contact again which was nice, even though that might not have been the nicest circumstances why he called. however i do hope things work out for him.

im tired and sorting out my music, so im gonna make make a sick ass playlist for me to listen to when i go to sleep...which will be sometime very soon.

hope everyone had a good day.

it was sunny today. i saw tash and we went to croydon...those massage stools were funny as hell.

-Gaby xx

trust...

You need to earn it. Specially from me.
He is walking on a very thin line...any minute it can snap...so don't put any more stress on it. I feel smouldered by you, but at the same time I can't work out why you were so cold today. Have I really made the right choice??
Lets see if this relationship will survive another month...in which I will fall to pieces...and not because of you.

Saw kate today, was good! I missed the fatty <3

Off to sleep can barely keep my eyes open.

-Gaby x

ready or not...

im in this for the long run...

wish me luck, i have at least 3 things to get through before the year is out.

last night was fun, we drunk, we chilled, listened to a hell of a lot of Zeppelin and Pink Floyd...some elton john (funeral for a friend) which reminded me of Darran playinly for the name of the band...

also meatloaf, which made me really sad, i actually cried for the first time since Kim died, he was one of her fav musicians and the last one she ever went to see. 2 years gone by, and i cried for the first time last night because of Kim, rip.

after that me and Martin cuddled up in bed and i dont even remember drifting off to sleep...

right now i really miss 3 people, tfair, bryan and ian...i just miss hanging out witho those guys...bryan being near enough as much of a drinker as i am...tfair is a LIGHTWEIGHT!! haha and ian...well t'watkins is SxE.....to those who dont know him anyway...haha

im off as i got bored of writing this.

-Gaby xx

the lady in red

why is it that everytime things start going ok for me i start to feel like this?

i shouldnt be complaining; seriously, everything is good right now, but i feel so sensitive to everything thats happening around me.

i've had an amazing few weeks over the summer, tours were good, hanging out and meeting awesome new people was even better, and making things official with my bf too, was pretty sweet.
i just wanna know how long it will last, the age gap isnt a problem, i guess that the problem is really me and how i'm going to deal with things. usually the word relationship makes most people happy, im a little scared to be honest, i like him, he likes me, i think that he might possibly like me more then i do him but thats something that i have to deal with.

i guess everyone goes through the stage that they think, what the fuck am i going to do with my life right now, this is it for me.

i need a new job, i need to move out, i need to do something that is worth my time and that i enjoy...anyone wanna show me the ropes on the road?? managing bands etc?! haha that would be my dream job, but i have a better chance of getting married to prince harry then becoming a tour manager lol.

i read jamie's blog today and i totally relate to it. all the expectations and perceptions the world has of each one of us, and how we try to cover that up or shape things out to be perceived in another way, everyone does it, everyone has something that they hide behind, noone can ever be fully understood and noone wants to fully understand.

what do you hide behind? tattoos, drugs, music, alcohol, lies...
whatever it is, you should come out of there once in a little while to see what things could be like on another light...being yourself cant always be a bad thing right?!

i have soo many thoughts going through my head right now, i hope im doing the right thing with this relationship, one way or another only time will tell.

Vinnie, if you still read this, i miss talking to you...like we used to years ago before everything else got complicated. you know how to get in contact, and if you feel like doing so, i'd love to hear from you.

signing out...

- Gaby x

how annoying things can be...

Drama... the one thing that everyone seems to hate...well i hate it too...right now im tired...
since friday i havent been able to sleep properly...thanks to my friend D.
it was one hell of a night on friday
met up with lou...went to dinner then for a few drinks as soon as the car pulls up outside my house i get a phone call from my friend and hes like lets hang out...im a little hesitant but thought fuck it...
20 mins later i was chillin with him and drinking...
anyone who knows me will know that i hate drugs...
he was sooo fkn high...i ended up high although i swear down my life i didnt do any drugs...
it was one wild night lets just put it this way...i stroll home (literally across the road) at like nearly 9am...have a shower and go to sleep...to be rudly woken by kate on the phone saying that she is moving back in!!!

im likw huh??
well spaced out still...but whatever...
eventually get up at like 6pm...made dinner...tried eating it...im not joking, a kids sized meal...well it was just a kids meal, potato waffles, chicken breast. i couldnt even eat half of it...latly i've been rather ill...havent been able to barely eat...
today i went the whole day literally without food...i ate a little panini at like 10.30 pm which made me feel sick but the alcohol sorted that out...

i've not been very productive over the past few days

but remembered that in literally 7 days time its Ilan's birthday...also the day i will be seeing Panic...aww Zack

im going sleep now...pointless blog...

but i got bored.
-Gaby x

how to tell someone how you feel, when you know they dont feel the same...

its hard enough having to actually live with the thought of liking someone and not being able to be with them...

but how can you make your feelings known and not get hurt in the process...

no Vinnie its not about you...unfortunately that time has long passed and you knew how i felt about you as i told you about it back then...

everyone must go through this at some point...wanting to tell someone you're heels over head for them but not being able to do so because you know how they will react...

argh thoughts are confusing me soooo much right now...i wish i could put an end to this...i guess im just gonna have to live with this...he'll never know so it will never change...


i had a fun day today...got a little drunk but sill had fun...back to the job search now...good times...

-Gaby x

when will i see you again?

Everyone that knows me know about my bands...

Music has literally changed my life...I love it...Cannot live without it...

it has helped me through hard times, made a difference between those choices in life...

i adore Lostprophets and Greenday.

there are loads of other bands that i really like too..

right now i really miss lostprophets...those days when i used to go literally where ever they went...the last times i saw them were soo awesome...and i really do have those guys to thank for my life right now...

couple years back i got kicked out and was down in the dumps...many thoughts went through my head...i got kicked out october the 28th...lostprophets tour started on November 22nd...my first gig of the tour was on the 23rd...also the day i got told to move back into my house...between that time i nearly OD'd but i remember this as clear as yesterday...i thought to myself..."tour starts on the 23rd and i cant let Vanessa down...all the plans are made...i cant do it" so for that i thank them...that tattoo of the "logo" will never be a regret...

i miss Bryan too...stupid...but i like just staring at his pretty green eyes...long blonde hair...cute nose, soft lips...lol getting carried away...

i wonder how the next time hes in town things will be...

i am stupidly tired now...

i miss:
beers with dan, bryan Johnny and the other John from Red jumpsuit...
dan stealin my cigarettes
Bryan giving me cigarettes
spilling drinks dues to being drunk
Tolerance levels
Hugs
Attempts to "accidentaly" stab me with forks and suffocating hugs
Me, Bryan, Dan and Martin...all being soooo straight edge...(while holding a beer and smoking)
extremely forward invitations
Tfair hangs
Travis hangs
Dan NOSE Tom from PWT...haha that was too funny...
Drunken conversations about acts of a sexual nature in leeds
Bryan "crack you back" and him actually doing it...sooo relaxing...
Kate!!! i do actually miss you...and im listening to FOLK haha
Shaant and his appreciation...
Martin and his nonsiness through my camera...going thru photos of me, and asking questions...
Ian and the sprite incident...
ian and kisses...lol and the one from the other night...(never gonna give him a kiss goodbye again, even if that was the first one)
Jamie and his blondeness...
Jamies hair being long again!!! i knew it would make a comeback...
Ilan not wanting to be an ASS...but ended up being one...which was well pointed out...
Jamie and my umbrella..."i dont wanna get wet..."
Ilan spazzing out at the most miniscule thing...and btw i will from now on only call it the new REGYME haha
Stuart and the fact i know too much
Stuart and the fact HE knows too much...hush!!
Me talking for hours about Stuart's life...to Stuart himself...
Mike and Another Photo...
Mike is the new enter shikari boy!!! hahaha or deer in headlights MEGA LOLZ that night..."ya mrs wants you...you sould go help?!" Mike "nah shes ok"- while amber strugles with putting a huge suitcase on the tourbus...
Lee driving to london...
Lee is never there....but when he is its always worth it
Ian DRIVING... hahahaha the car that I want...not fair but its only a rental
Myspace messages...being his only actual "friend" on his Made in hell clothing page.
Alex's sunglasses
Handsel aka Handsome aka DAVEEE
Tony
Larry who is waaaay Hott
Drunken Gavin...
Jay smith...(i'll always hook you up!)
Jonathan lil brother to Chris(zebrahead) and cider times
Knocks on the tourbus toilet wals and outside...

Its enough for now...gotta go take my cousin to the airport...

will pick this up another time...but its been good reminincing over the past few weeks/months...

the girl from ipanema...

So it seems that because i was born in Brazil i have to automatically love that place...

its hard, when all you know is corruption and poverty from such a beautiful place...yes it is beuatiful, but i would never go back there...my family keep on pestering me to go back there and today my little cousin asked me that if i had the choices of A: being so poor and be thrown in jail or
B: go back to live in Brazil and have enough money to live well but not enough to buy a ticket to come back to the UK which one i'd prefer...
i picked the first one...


I love the UK, i love having 4 seasons, i love to wake up in the cold mornings and just chill out for a while before braving the cold, i also love getting up when the sun is shining into my room and it puts a smile on your face.

Brazil is a beautiful place, the people however arent so nice.

it has everything, every resource needed to get itself out of the financial and livin situations it is currently in...corrupt politicians, prevent that from happening, but the people who say that need help, dont do anything to help themselves... so i have absolutly no sympathy.

the minimum wage there is around R$390.00 conver that to pounds, its about £130. not a lot i know but most people get at least 3 times the minimum wages.
shops there basically loan you whatever you buy...you have the choice of paying it in installments...just like a loan, you need to pay it off every month.

they will go nowhere like that.

i know its hard when you have the plastic in your wallet aind the most "basic" things needs buying...but there you get supplied with the basic shopping needs, which are flour, sugar, spaghetti, eggs, milk, oil, salt, rice, beans and some other things...and depending on the sixe of your family you get more then one...doesnt sound like a lot, but those are the actual BASICS.

most people will go to brazil and only see the "touristic" side of things, not all the crime (which i will add, comes from the police too...not such saints) all the poverty, favelas and bad sanitation. which is good, but that country, recently awarded one of the "wonders" of the world for the Christ on the sugar loafs should start to clean up.

enough about that for now...other thoughts in my head....

i gotta start getting ready to go to the airport...my cousin in flying out there at 6am today.
-Gaby

found a replacement yet?

Missing people who you have shared your best moments with for over such a long period of time is inevitable, but how long until you become numb to their presence, when you still see them and hear of things they do, things that you used to be part of and that they only do because of you?

What really gets to me is that after getting individuals to become friends through me, helping them to get to where they are, always being there if they need you, through the shit times and the best times, they turn around and ignore you, without a reason being given.

Cowards is what they are. I'm a simple kinda person, don't need too much attention but it gets to me when people turn their backs on you without at least explaining why. Things weren't said but there was closure, bitter closure...

I wish I knew, but I don't. I wont say that I don't care, because i do, but not as much...out of sight out of mind...clearly the wrong concept for this.

the thing i find extremely funny is how you have "replaced" me with someone who is SO much like me. isn't it ironic in a way that you wont have me around but want someone just like me to always be there? be fake...i wont turn the blind eye...chances were given, more then once but you never took them. imagine what it would be like losing your best friend to nothing...

she needs to have someone strong near...someone to guide her to the right decision..i would like to think that at one point that was part of what i did as a friend. but how will she take to someone who is so self centered, vicious, backstabbing and selfish as the person who made her mind up for her about the one decision she could have made on her own?? She cant really make her own decisions...not totally unaided anyway.

I'm lucky i still have real friends, and as fast as i lost them I've made others who in a way can get me to the ultimate goal and put me in my own little pedestal. I am somewhat self centered, but doesn't everyone have a place that they would eventually like to be at? in no way am i using them, because really I'm not...but i would like to be helped somewhat by those people to get to where i am...arrogant as that may seem...

i love my friends, and at times they made the difference between making it through the hard times, them and 6 guys who are amazingly funny, sweet, talented and famous...something i only wanna think of but never become...that ultimate fantasy that everyone has at the back of their mind...would i like to be successful? YES and i know everything comes at a price, and maybe I'm starting to pay that price...

separation...i guess you could call it that...i guess I'm the one who came out with nothing to hide...at least I have no dirty little secrets...

-Gaby