how to tell someone how you feel, when you know they dont feel the same...

its hard enough having to actually live with the thought of liking someone and not being able to be with them...

but how can you make your feelings known and not get hurt in the process...

no Vinnie its not about you...unfortunately that time has long passed and you knew how i felt about you as i told you about it back then...

everyone must go through this at some point...wanting to tell someone you're heels over head for them but not being able to do so because you know how they will react...

argh thoughts are confusing me soooo much right now...i wish i could put an end to this...i guess im just gonna have to live with this...he'll never know so it will never change...


i had a fun day today...got a little drunk but sill had fun...back to the job search now...good times...

-Gaby x

when will i see you again?

Everyone that knows me know about my bands...

Music has literally changed my life...I love it...Cannot live without it...

it has helped me through hard times, made a difference between those choices in life...

i adore Lostprophets and Greenday.

there are loads of other bands that i really like too..

right now i really miss lostprophets...those days when i used to go literally where ever they went...the last times i saw them were soo awesome...and i really do have those guys to thank for my life right now...

couple years back i got kicked out and was down in the dumps...many thoughts went through my head...i got kicked out october the 28th...lostprophets tour started on November 22nd...my first gig of the tour was on the 23rd...also the day i got told to move back into my house...between that time i nearly OD'd but i remember this as clear as yesterday...i thought to myself..."tour starts on the 23rd and i cant let Vanessa down...all the plans are made...i cant do it" so for that i thank them...that tattoo of the "logo" will never be a regret...

i miss Bryan too...stupid...but i like just staring at his pretty green eyes...long blonde hair...cute nose, soft lips...lol getting carried away...

i wonder how the next time hes in town things will be...

i am stupidly tired now...

i miss:
beers with dan, bryan Johnny and the other John from Red jumpsuit...
dan stealin my cigarettes
Bryan giving me cigarettes
spilling drinks dues to being drunk
Tolerance levels
Hugs
Attempts to "accidentaly" stab me with forks and suffocating hugs
Me, Bryan, Dan and Martin...all being soooo straight edge...(while holding a beer and smoking)
extremely forward invitations
Tfair hangs
Travis hangs
Dan NOSE Tom from PWT...haha that was too funny...
Drunken conversations about acts of a sexual nature in leeds
Bryan "crack you back" and him actually doing it...sooo relaxing...
Kate!!! i do actually miss you...and im listening to FOLK haha
Shaant and his appreciation...
Martin and his nonsiness through my camera...going thru photos of me, and asking questions...
Ian and the sprite incident...
ian and kisses...lol and the one from the other night...(never gonna give him a kiss goodbye again, even if that was the first one)
Jamie and his blondeness...
Jamies hair being long again!!! i knew it would make a comeback...
Ilan not wanting to be an ASS...but ended up being one...which was well pointed out...
Jamie and my umbrella..."i dont wanna get wet..."
Ilan spazzing out at the most miniscule thing...and btw i will from now on only call it the new REGYME haha
Stuart and the fact i know too much
Stuart and the fact HE knows too much...hush!!
Me talking for hours about Stuart's life...to Stuart himself...
Mike and Another Photo...
Mike is the new enter shikari boy!!! hahaha or deer in headlights MEGA LOLZ that night..."ya mrs wants you...you sould go help?!" Mike "nah shes ok"- while amber strugles with putting a huge suitcase on the tourbus...
Lee driving to london...
Lee is never there....but when he is its always worth it
Ian DRIVING... hahahaha the car that I want...not fair but its only a rental
Myspace messages...being his only actual "friend" on his Made in hell clothing page.
Alex's sunglasses
Handsel aka Handsome aka DAVEEE
Tony
Larry who is waaaay Hott
Drunken Gavin...
Jay smith...(i'll always hook you up!)
Jonathan lil brother to Chris(zebrahead) and cider times
Knocks on the tourbus toilet wals and outside...

Its enough for now...gotta go take my cousin to the airport...

will pick this up another time...but its been good reminincing over the past few weeks/months...

the girl from ipanema...

So it seems that because i was born in Brazil i have to automatically love that place...

its hard, when all you know is corruption and poverty from such a beautiful place...yes it is beuatiful, but i would never go back there...my family keep on pestering me to go back there and today my little cousin asked me that if i had the choices of A: being so poor and be thrown in jail or
B: go back to live in Brazil and have enough money to live well but not enough to buy a ticket to come back to the UK which one i'd prefer...
i picked the first one...


I love the UK, i love having 4 seasons, i love to wake up in the cold mornings and just chill out for a while before braving the cold, i also love getting up when the sun is shining into my room and it puts a smile on your face.

Brazil is a beautiful place, the people however arent so nice.

it has everything, every resource needed to get itself out of the financial and livin situations it is currently in...corrupt politicians, prevent that from happening, but the people who say that need help, dont do anything to help themselves... so i have absolutly no sympathy.

the minimum wage there is around R$390.00 conver that to pounds, its about £130. not a lot i know but most people get at least 3 times the minimum wages.
shops there basically loan you whatever you buy...you have the choice of paying it in installments...just like a loan, you need to pay it off every month.

they will go nowhere like that.

i know its hard when you have the plastic in your wallet aind the most "basic" things needs buying...but there you get supplied with the basic shopping needs, which are flour, sugar, spaghetti, eggs, milk, oil, salt, rice, beans and some other things...and depending on the sixe of your family you get more then one...doesnt sound like a lot, but those are the actual BASICS.

most people will go to brazil and only see the "touristic" side of things, not all the crime (which i will add, comes from the police too...not such saints) all the poverty, favelas and bad sanitation. which is good, but that country, recently awarded one of the "wonders" of the world for the Christ on the sugar loafs should start to clean up.

enough about that for now...other thoughts in my head....

i gotta start getting ready to go to the airport...my cousin in flying out there at 6am today.
-Gaby

found a replacement yet?

Missing people who you have shared your best moments with for over such a long period of time is inevitable, but how long until you become numb to their presence, when you still see them and hear of things they do, things that you used to be part of and that they only do because of you?

What really gets to me is that after getting individuals to become friends through me, helping them to get to where they are, always being there if they need you, through the shit times and the best times, they turn around and ignore you, without a reason being given.

Cowards is what they are. I'm a simple kinda person, don't need too much attention but it gets to me when people turn their backs on you without at least explaining why. Things weren't said but there was closure, bitter closure...

I wish I knew, but I don't. I wont say that I don't care, because i do, but not as much...out of sight out of mind...clearly the wrong concept for this.

the thing i find extremely funny is how you have "replaced" me with someone who is SO much like me. isn't it ironic in a way that you wont have me around but want someone just like me to always be there? be fake...i wont turn the blind eye...chances were given, more then once but you never took them. imagine what it would be like losing your best friend to nothing...

she needs to have someone strong near...someone to guide her to the right decision..i would like to think that at one point that was part of what i did as a friend. but how will she take to someone who is so self centered, vicious, backstabbing and selfish as the person who made her mind up for her about the one decision she could have made on her own?? She cant really make her own decisions...not totally unaided anyway.

I'm lucky i still have real friends, and as fast as i lost them I've made others who in a way can get me to the ultimate goal and put me in my own little pedestal. I am somewhat self centered, but doesn't everyone have a place that they would eventually like to be at? in no way am i using them, because really I'm not...but i would like to be helped somewhat by those people to get to where i am...arrogant as that may seem...

i love my friends, and at times they made the difference between making it through the hard times, them and 6 guys who are amazingly funny, sweet, talented and famous...something i only wanna think of but never become...that ultimate fantasy that everyone has at the back of their mind...would i like to be successful? YES and i know everything comes at a price, and maybe I'm starting to pay that price...

separation...i guess you could call it that...i guess I'm the one who came out with nothing to hide...at least I have no dirty little secrets...

-Gaby